Today the terms narcissist, narcissism or narcissistic are often used and here at Lakunakai we believe these terms should be better understood.
June 1 is Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day.
In this blog we aim to discuss the impact of a narcissistic person and offer insights on how to handle being around individuals with narcissistic traits. Why? Because this too is linked to trauma and though you cannot control all things that happen to us we can choose how to respond.
What is the meaning behind these term(s)?
When someone uses terms such as narcissist, narcissism or narcissistic what they are referring to is a person they perceive that has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or a narcissistic trait.
Now these are pretty big terms and claims but what does it really mean? Well, narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance and a narcissistic trait is a particular characteristic, quality or tendency that someone has.
What you should know is that there are two types of narcissists - overt and covert - and each of them function differently from one to the other.
While everyone may show occasional narcissistic behavior, let's be clear, a mental health professional is someone who can diagnose someone with NPD.
Where's what you might not understand?
According to Dr. Susan Alberts-Bowling, PsyD in a recent article, "People often have the misconception that narcissists are being mean just to be mean, but that's not quite what's happening. Covert narcissists do struggle a lot and it comes from a place of feeling very alone and very bad about themselves. But they're trying to have their needs met by doing unhealthy things."
The root cause of narcissistic personality disorder or for that matter I guess we could also include having narcissistic traits is not fully understood, however, it is believed to be a complex interplay of factors including parent-child relationships that may involve excessive admiration or harsh criticism.
This is not to say accepting narcissistic behavior is okay because it's not but we do share this solely to help you better understand.
If you want more information on psychology, specifically ego states of mind, which relates to this topic check out our website as we've already provided some of that information in Our Focus - Click Here.
What's the difference between overt and covert?
Despite sharing similar traits, overt and covert narcissism does differ in how a person presents themselves.
The challenge for most is the detection of covert narcissism due to their subtle expression which oddly makes them a little more dangerous and a little more difficult to manage.
So, how do you spot a narcissist?
Narcissists often exhibit traits early but remember the covert narcissist can be hard to detect.
Often you will see a narcissist:
- compete intensely,
- lie compulsively,
- need to be the center of attention,
- need others to buy into their version of themselves,
- blame others for their actions,
- try to use others to serve their purpose,
- do not invest emotionally in the needs of others,
- 'freeze out' and/or 'stone wall' people who do not do what they want,
- try to isolate people they want to control,
- live inconsistent public and private lives,
- procrastinate and show disregard, and
- are self-serving empaths.
Sure, one or two of these traits might be negative traits of a person but don't go over the edge here by going out and calling everyone a narcissist. Hmmmm... What does that actually do for you anyways? If it does not lead to a solution in a discussion, it might not be healthy and could be related to narcissistic behavior.
Tips on How to Communicate with a Narcissist:
1. Limit Communication:
What we mean by this is learn to focus on yourself and consciously choose how you are going to show up. That is in your control.
2. Educate Yourself:
Narcissists are amazing at deflecting, avoiding core issues and often make you feel like you are literally going around and around in circles. Coming to a resolution or being accountable - those aren't things narcissists do. Learn their traits and distance yourself from the narcissist and the people close to them.
3. Set Boundaries:
You deserve to be seen, heard and known. Give yourself back the love and respect you'd otherwise be giving away to the narcissist. Set boundaries, express those boundaries, expect yourself and everyone else to stick to them and stop walking on egg shells. If boundaries are not respected after they are fully known and communicated, move on.
4. Don't Take the Bait:
Gaslighting is a defense mechanism used well by narcissists. It is a psychological abuse tactic designed to induce feelings of 'craziness', disorientation, confusion, and powerlessness. When challenging a narcissist with an uncomfortable truth, they may feign confusion and deflect accountability, causing you to doubt your own perceptions. Internally, the narcissist is confronting their own shame and guilt for their actions, but their inability to bear such emotions leads them to erase them from consciousness. Unfortunately, this is dangerous for both parties.
So, don't take the bait, take your power back and the power away from what they're saying - use silence and heal!
5. Understand Narcissists Use Words to Get What They Want:
Manipulation is highly favored and used by narcissists where they will often use things that you are connected to emotionally or things that inspire you to get what 'they' want and to have control over you. They watch your every move and sadly they do use it against you - some more obvious (overt) than others (covert).
In addition to manipulation, a narcissist prides themselves in what pain they may have made you suffer. This will be talked about in circles you are not a part of and you can expect, though it does not matter, they will talk about it in ways to make others feel like you are the root cause of their problems because again they cannot be accountable or accept responsibility for their actions. Unfortunately, this too is dangerous for both parties.
Basically, if you fear there is manipulation, see if their words and actions line up. If not, backup and distance yourself so you can make conscious decisions.
6. Highlight The Ugliness Coming Out of Their Mouth and/or Disconnection in Their Actions and Words:
In a low tone of voice, keeping your emotions in tact, call them out for the ugly or hateful words being said. And, do the same if their words and actions are not lining up.
Expect it to be uncomfortable but aim to reduce discomfort by maintaining a low calm tone and emotional composure.
7. Accept That A Narcissist (diagnosed with NPD) or Someone With Narcissist Traits Likely Needs Professional Help:
While NPD is a mental health condition, it does not excuse harmful or abusive behavior.
Certainly, individuals with narcissistic traits could derive benefit from the guidance of a mental health professional, revealing aspects they may not consciously recognize due to subconsciously suppressing and exhibiting unhealthy behaviors. However this needs to be sought out by the person with narcissistic traits or NPD - not the victim - as they need to seek help if they want change to patterns and cycles of abuse.
8. Build a Strong Support System:
It is essential to monitor your emotional well-being when dealing with narcissists. Disconnecting, having a strong support system, and remaining mindful of your actions are effective strategies.
9. When A Narcissist Shows No Signs Of Change:
Many articles will tell you that a narcissist cannot change or will not change and that is something to be aware of especially if you are an empath.
Remember that when you set boundaries with someone with narcissist behavioral traits that they have the choice to change knowing you know and hopefully knowing that they want better for themselves but that also means you have the choice of keeping those boundaries in place affecting change or not.
Most victims of a narcissist and even some professionals will tell you to leave immediately and we get that because it is a form of abuse, it's awful and dangerous. However, if you choose to stay, you need to understand that the narcissist may not be aware of what they do in full so seeking professional help is often best.
Why is it important to seek help?
Narcissists are emotionally immature, wounded and incredibly insecure, often seeking control of everything and everyone around them using lies, manipulation and other tools like gaslighting to get what they want. They don't feel they are the problem, often have low self worth and most people say they don't change.
Here’s the thing though. If someone is a victim of a narcissist they often will end up with symptoms of C-PTSD, in other words complex post traumatic stress disorder. What does that mean? There are two types of PTSD. Regular PTSD is a one off occurrence that causes traumatization whereas C-PTSD is a type of recurring traumatization that happens over and over and over again. Again, pretty dangerous and unhealthy so seeking professional help is important and should not be undervalued.
As you can see this is a pretty large topic. When using the term narcissist please understand what you are saying. Words have power and to those victims of narcissistic abuse it's no joke.
If you want to learn more about this topic or additional topics let us know and we'd be happy to support your request where we can.
Disclaimer: as always, this post is for educational purposes only and should not replace professional advice. If you are not safe please seek support immediately by calling 911 or calling or texting 988.
Remember, change begins with you so thanks for taking the time to read our blog. We hope you found it helpful.
- The Lakunakai Team